"What in the world have I been doing since then," you might ask. You might wonder if I'm still gluten free and whether or not I ever registered for that schooling I was talking about. Well yes, I'm still gluten free, and yes, I did register for the school. I am deeply ashamed to admit, however, that after my dear husband paid for the course and the books, my ADD brain couldn't seem to ever begin! I got completely stuck when it came to actually starting a lesson or doing an assignment.
Which is pretty much the story of my life.
It seems that I'm just not a self-starter kind of a gal. I require bricks and mortar, instructors in my face, accountability to force me to be answerable to someone other than myself! Why is it that keeping a promise to myself or not letting myself down is never enough? Why am I never enough? Why did I start a blog almost five years ago and never ever go back to it after one measly entry? Well, I'm no psychologist, so I don't have an answer. But psychology is another one of those things I thought I might do someday.
I've started and never finished more things than I can count. I've let down friends, family members, my own husband, but the person I've let down the most is myself, because I've known me the longest. Maybe it all started when I was a kid and never did my homework. Maybe it began with my mom telling me to go clean my room and then never checking to see whether or not I did it. I've felt this cast of shame over my life for as long as I can remember, and maybe it's because I've never been my own best friend.
We recently made a huge, very scary, life altering move from Michigan to San Diego, CA. We left my hometown, a house we'd lived in for 12 years, in an idyllic town where my kids wanted to always come home, and where I had every expectation I would be waiting for them to do so forever. I went from being a small town Michigan girl to landing in California in the Land of Fruits and Nuts, where you plan every activity around the traffic and the crowds. I find myself aching for summer to be over, for tourist season to pass, and for my son to get back in school because with few friends, little money (we still own that frickin' house in Michigan, Lord help us!) and no desire to fight crowds or traffic, I don't have a clue what the hell to do with him most days. The weather is annoyingly the same from one day to the next; the sky pretty much goes from fog to sun and not much in between. How I miss the rain! What I wouldn't give for a good old fashioned Midwestern thunderstorm! With the rolling, changing sky, the cleansing showers and the lush gardens and green pastures.
But I digress. There are a few opportunities available in San Diego that I wouldn't have been able to take advantage of in Michigan. Not the least of which is the array of colleges to choose from within a very easy commute of our home. When I was young, I had dreams and every expectation that those dreams would magically one day come true. I was a singer who was encouraged to sing and a writer who was encouraged to write. (Too bad I was never a good student who was encouraged to study!) But then my parents divorced when I was in high school and suddenly I didn't believe in anything at all. Life became all about them and their drama, and less about me and my brother. We bounced from parent to parent, living out of suitcases and never again had a safe place where we felt at home. Until we were able to build our own homes. We both are avid nesters, and real homebodies. And when I became a mom at the tender age of twenty, thoughts of college grew even less realistic.
With our oldest daughter having recently graduated from a pricey out-of-state college and planning a wedding, and our middle daughter working fervently on her own college career, full time college isn't an option for me right now. But! The University of California San Diego Extension has a writing curriculum that I can hack away at as time, money and the limitations in my own mind allow. I will be enrolling next Monday, first thing, after I drop my son off for his first day of third grade! And that's a promise to myself that I intend to keep.
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